Police
Humour.....Not.........
Being a police officer in a large city such as London can be a truly
exciting experience with something or other happening to keep an officer busy
throughout the day shift and sometimes more so at night.
Being a part of it can at times be exhilarating, exciting to the extreme and
indeed frightening. However, on very rare occasions it can be the
most boring job in the world.
It was at such times that the ‘weird humour’ of police bubbled to the surface
and often came close to getting out of control.........................
Like the young officer who was sent to the local canal where at
8am each morning he was to obtain a sample of water. He was given a
twenty foot length of string which had a small bottle tied to the
end. He was convinced that the sample was necessary for ‘a daily analysis’.
Each morning when on duty he was given the string and bottle and he would
religiously walk the two miles to the canal and precisely at eight o’clock he
would throw the bottle to the centre of the canal and cap the
bottle. He would then return to the station where it was ‘logged’.
As soon as he left the office the water was thrown out. He
continued with his duty for about three months before he discovered the true
facts and realisedthat he had been conned. He later during his career rose in the
ranks to be a Chief Superintendent which says something about
promotion.....................
The Station
Officer, a Sergeant was responsible for everything in the station
and his duties included checking on the Mounted
Branch horses which were stabled at the rear of the
station. Some of the lads on a quiet night went up to London Zoo and saw the
night watchman/security officer there. They obtained a sack
full of elephant dung. Large
huge dollops of the stuff.............
They quietly placed it in the stables at the rear of one of the
old horses and we kept watch from a sheltered safe distance.
One officer told the Sergeant that there were strange agonising noises coming
from the stables and of course ‘Old
Ted’ the Sergeant made his way there to investigate.
When he saw the enormous pile of manure he was convinced that the horse was
unwell and called out the Mounted
Branch Inspector. Needless to say all hell broke loose when
the prank was discovered.
‘Old Ted’
never understood Personal
Radios when they were first introduced to the
station. He insisted that all officers take one when going
out on patrol. For months he would enter the communications
room in a fit of temper and transmit the following message “All officers who have left the station
without a radio are to return immediately and obtain one”............Nobody
ever told ‘Old Ted’ why no one ever acknowledged his message and he never
understood why........................
Unfortunately, police work very often brings its officers into
injury and death situations. It is a fact of life, if you
will excuse the pun, and although not funny in any respect, officers, as a
means of relief and escape, sometimes find the situation very funny
indeed. If they
did not there is little or no doubt that they would suffer from depression,
stress and nervous breakdowns................
A report came in that there was a dead body in the local canal –
in fact the same canal that our old friend used to take the
samples. The important part of this story is that the canal
actually formed the boundary between two police districts which in itself
caused no great difficulty other than which officers would report the
matter. It was however far more important that it also formed the
boundary of the Coroner’s
District. It is not well known but is a fact that the Coroners’ Court is
probably one of the most important courts in the land and under no
circumstances may a dead body be moved from one area to another.
In any event, many officers from both opposing stations took up
position on the road bridge and canal banks in a search for the
body. It was spotted mid-stream. There was
in fact a local rowing club not far from the bridge and without any means of
recovering the body officers began to look out for a means of doing
so. Suddenly a single oarsman from the rowing club appeared rowing
downstream. One of the officers shouted to him “Push the body to the bank please”.
I thought that he was going to be sick when he looked where we were pointing
but he began to do so with one of the oars. A series of
shouts arose from the different officers “No,
no – to the other bank” quickly followed by“Not that side,the other side”.
This went on for about fifteen minutes. Eventually the poor
unfortunate dead body was manoeuvred to ‘our’
boundary with yours truly delegated to search the clothing and make out the
report.
A similar occasion arose when a suicide by hanging was reported
and I as the section Sergeant was called to oversee the report. A
ladder was required in order to get the body from a height of about six
feet. I delegated one of the officers to see if he could
borrow a ladder from one of the neighbours. As we awaited his return
all was silent and deeply respectful. About five
minutes later the officer returned with a ladder which he had borrowed – it was
a forty foot ladder which he had acquired from a builder working on a
neighbour’s roof. As he tried to get it through the hall-door
there was nothing on earth that would have kept us from laughing.
If anyone had seen or heard us I am sure that we would have been
heavily disciplined although there had been no disrespect for the
dead man – the release valve had been activated by the sight of the
ladder. People
who have never experienced such a sight would never, ever
understand..................
On a much lighter note, years ago when Cannabis (Marijuana) plants
were seized they were retained as court exhibits as found.
Sometimes the case would not appear for several months before it was heard
especially at Crown Court.
When the plants were produced at court, having been watered and kept in a
centrally-heated storage unit they would of course have grown
considerably. The defendants used to go bananas screaming and
shouting that they were not the same ‘small’
plants that had been seized from them.........There is a much simpler system
nowadays.....
One short final one which goes to prove that experience tells in
the long run no matter what those who claim that ‘brains’ beat ‘experience’ every time have to
say.....
We were in the parade room at 5.45am when a call came in that
some of the night duty shift officers were having a stand-off with a man armed
with a broken bottle and a hammer in a nearby estate. We all jumped
into the van and made our way there. At the angle between some
flats stood a man with his back to the wall and armed as I said.
There were when we arrived about six officers present and about ten of us
joined him. This was a time well before ‘Tazars’ and the only
protection we had were our whistles and small wooden
truncheons. As we formed a semi-circle around the man he
would make a movement towards us which caused a lot of to-ing and
fro-ing. There were remarks like “Who wants to be a hero and get
a Commissioner’s Commendation?” Some
of the young officers were willing but were being held back by the older
officers.
It was then that one of the oldest officers present who had
obviously seen it all before more than once gave the order “Right lads, truncheons out”.
As most were already out in any case, I asked “Are we going to attack him?”
The wise old officer looked at me as if I was crazy and said aloud “When I give the signal, all throw
your truncheons at him..........One, two three go”. With that about fifteen truncheons
bounced off the walls and indeed the idiot with the hammer and bottle which he
immediately discarded and laid flat out on the ground...........
The only problem was afterwards trying to sort out which
truncheon belonged to which officer....................
The title of this post did include the word ‘Myth’ but each and
every one of these cases did in fact happen as I have said. Many
have happened hundreds of times up and down the country and if any officers
read this they will understand as they most likely – or should I say, most
certainly - have done something similar during their own
service....................
-----------Mike-------------
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