A Cockney Funeral...

Brown Boots.....

Stanley Holloway appeared in the beautiful film My Fair Lady with Audrey Hepburn as Lisa Doolittle playing her father. He also appeared in many other English films including The Lavender Hill Mob.

He was however famous long before films for his Music Hall (Vaudeville) appearances. He was a brilliant comic and was also famous for his Monologues. The following, which I have not heard since I was a child was a surprise find today and it brought back some wonderful memories.

When I was a child, I never knew exactly what it was all about and even when my father tried to explain it, I only knew it was about a man who went to a funeral wearing brown boots.   It is in a form of Cockney Slang, which I will leave you to figure out……

  Brahn Boots…

(Weston & Lee)

Our Aunt Hanna's passed away,

We 'ad her funeral today,

And it was a posh affair,

Had to have two p'licemen there!

The 'earse was luv'ly, all plate glass,

And wot a corfin!... oak and brass!

We'd fah-sands weepin', flahers galore,

But Jim, our cousin... what d'yer fink 'e wore?

Why, brahn boots!

I ask yer... brahn boots!

Fancy coming to a funeral

In brahn boots!

I will admit 'e 'ad a nice black tie,

Black fingernails and a nice black eye;

But yer can't see people orf when they die,

In brahn boots!

And Aunt 'ad been so very good to 'im,

Done all that any muvver could for 'im,

And Jim, her son, to show his clars...

Rolls up to make it all a farce,

In brahn boots...

I ask yer... brahn boots!

While all the rest,

Wore decent black and mourning suits.

I'll own he didn't seem so gay,

In fact he cried most part the way,

But straight, he reg'lar spoilt our day,

Wiv 'is brahn boots.

In the graveyard we left Jim,

None of us said much to him,

Yus, we all gave 'im the bird,

Then by accident we 'eard ...

'E'd given 'is black boots to Jim Small,

A bloke wot 'ad no boots at all,

So p'raps Aunt Hanna doesn't mind,

She did like people who was good and kind.

But brahn boots!

I ask yer... brahn boots!

Fancy coming to a funeral,

In brahn boots!

And we could 'ear the neighbours all remark

"What, 'im chief mourner? Wot a blooming lark!

"Why 'e looks more like a Bookmaker's clerk...

In brahn boots!"

That's why we 'ad to be so rude to 'im,

That's why we never said "Ow do!" to 'im,

We didn't know... he didn't say,

He'd give 'is other boots away.

But brahn boots!

I ask yer... brahn boots!

While all the rest,

Wore decent black and mourning suits!

But some day up at Heavens gate,

Poor Jim, all nerves, will stand and wait,

'til an angel whispers... "Come in, Mate,

"Where's yer brahn boots?"

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There is a Youtube video of Stanley Holloway

reciting the monologue on this link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAfb1HaZ0Mo

----------Mike----------