Like the Side of a Bus...

 One’s Worst Nightmare….

More fiction…..(I promise)….

"Okay. I'll listen to you, but I trained for many years as a dietician and can assure you that I know what I am talking about" the lady dressed all in white, my favourite colour I might add, was laying down the law to the class. This included my goodself and about eight other overweight unwilling participants. She was the evening’s guest speaker at our 'Watchers of Weight' club.

"You are what you eat" she paced backwards and forwards in front of us when suddenly she pointed her finger "and you Mister Smith, are obviously overly fond of pork. Pig, Mr. Smith, I said Pig Mr. Smith". As poor old Mr. Smith, obviously a twenty-five stone weakling, began to stand up, she quickly retorted "Pork, Mr. Smith. Ham, Mr. Smith, Bacon, Mr. Smith". Mr. Smith, still red with embarrassment, cowered, sat down and let out a deep sigh.

"And as for you Mrs. Jones" this time, with her arms akimbo, the White clad devil, nodded at a poor woman who could not have been more than five stone over weight. However, for her size, her natural weight should have been about eight stone, so it showed.

Our lady in white continued "when we say 'five a day' Mrs. Jones, we mean five small portions of fruit and vegetables, not five three course meals. Are you with us Mrs. Jones?” she asked. Poor old Mrs. Jones bowed her head and was obviously on the verge of tears.

"As I was saying, Mr. Robbins, you are what you eat". There was a sneer in her voice as she spoke directly to me. 

Suddenly our lady in white noticed that a very large lady at the back had her hand up. "What is it Mrs. Goldstein? toilet or question?" I suddenly had the feeling that Mrs. Goldstein was going to really regret putting up her hand.

"When I dance," she said, "people think I'm searching my handbag looking for my keys and I do love to dance. I used to do it professionally" she boasted. "Not any more Mrs. Goldstein, am I right?" The lady in white asked with a snigger then continued "Everytime I look at you, you are rooting around in your handbag, obviously looking for a chocolate bar to ease your craving".

She paused momentarily; "Next time you are dancing" she added, "leave your handbag behind. Incidentally, what do you drive, a Ford Pickup Truck?" She laughed and was joined by a man to her right who could not have been more than a few pounds overweight.

"Thank you Mr. Johnstone" our lady in white beamed a smile at him.

Poor old Mrs. Goldstein stood up and amid the sobs cried out "I'm not listening anymore". Tears were running down her face. I stood up and although I am only a couple of stone overweight, I decided that something had to be said.   "Miss" I spoke to our lady in white "I do not think that you should be treating our members in such a fashion".

Before I could finish what I was going to say, she almost shouted back at me "Well, you're the last piece of the gig-saw, Mr. Robbins: I've been trying to puzzle out your dress sense since we started". She stopped only to take a deep breath, then continued

"Fashion, Mr. Robbins. Fashion. How dare you mention such a word whilst you are wearing those green corduroy trousers and brown boots. Sit down and listen, you might learn how to control your obvious eating disorder and gain some advice on dress sense at the same time.   Fashion indeed".

"I’ve had enough" I called out to the others as I stood up, "I did not pay good money to come here and be insulted by that devil in white". "Madame' I finished 'you are a bit*ch". I walked towards the door and heard a rustle of chairs behind me. The entire class was following me.

I must admit that the congestion at the door was something to be seen to be believed. No one wanted to be the last out and manners went to the wall.

Later that night, as I lay in bed on my own as usual, I had to content myself with the usual ritual. You see, because of my weight, which in the past was much, much greater than present, I never married, so my brother and I shared a small flat together.

I could have cried, but instead I had to fall asleep to the sound of my brother munching away on nuts and crisps. He is quite slim with not an ounce of fat on him. As my old granddad used to say "There’s more meat on a butcher’s pencil".

I am definitely going to start a diet tomorrow, for the simple reason that I am now even jealous of my slim brother. You see, I have not eaten a packet of crisps for at least fifteen years.

Yes a strict diet, from tomorrow........... now I wonder if the lady in white would like to go out to dinner ..................... ZZzzzzzzzzzzz z z z z z

--------Mike-------