Totally Confused

This is a little story in strong Cockney/Police Slang which

will no doubt leave you puzzled…..

‘What’s He On About?’

The Peterman said to the Pavement Artist,

‘ Jump into the Wheels, ‘cause I need an Assist’.

He offered some Smoke, to have a quick Drag,

But it wasn’t tobacco, nor was it a fag.

‘I’ve got loads of Hot Tom, from a Caper I done,

The Old Bill got a Brief, and my Gaff has been Spun,

I offered a Good Drink, but they asked a Long One

The Gaffer’s a gent, but the Skipper is Scum’.

‘I’d come down the Drag, just got off a bus,

They threatened to Nick me, and give me a Suss,

But lucky for me the Old Trouble came by,

So I stuck the Hot Tom, straight into her Sky’.

‘Old Bill did his Nut, he near Chinned me straight up,

They called a Jam Sandwich and stuck on a cuff,

Then down to the Factory, where I got a hard time,

They nicked my gold Kettle - they called it a fine’.

‘To Square up completely, will cost me two Grand,

If I let them have it, I’ll know where I stand,

So if you’ll oblige me, let me have a Draw,

This whole bloody business will not have a flaw’.

The Artist sat back, and let out a long sigh,

‘Now why should I help you, one good reason why,

When I was in Stir, you’d not lend me no Snout,

Not one single smoke, ‘till the day I got out’.

They parted and left, both went their own way,

The Peterman wonders, right up to this day,

How Bill found the Tom and the Shooter as well,

Never knew ‘twas the Artist, who gave them the Bell.

So beware  what you say, when you’re  smoking that Grass,

Or you’ll spend a few winters, in a Dell on your arse,

Yes five long years Stretch, in Stir is a hell,

So look after your cellmate, and he’ll never tell.

---------Mike-------