The Truth - at least most of it

The Police Constable.

He entered the witness box and took the oath,

He opened his pocket book, then cleared his throat,

He gave his full name and his shoulder number,

Silently prayed that he wouldn’t blunder.

‘I saw the accused, he was waving this knife,

‘I’ll kill you, you bitch’ he screamed at his wife.

She ran into the street, almost hit by a van,

The accused he was stopped, by the local postman.

‘I arrived on the scene, at a quarter to three,

The accused dropped the knife, whilst looking at me,

‘ She’s having the change’ was all he could cry,

‘ She treats me like crap, and there’s no reason why’.

‘I arrested and cautioned, at two fifty three,

He said ‘It’s a fair cop’ but quite openly,

He pointed a finger, at his frightened wife,

Then immediately pointed again, at the knife’.

‘He was brought to the station, where he was detained,

And about an hour later, the charge was explained,

In answer to it, he made no reply,

Just looked straight at me, and winked his right eye’.

The Magistrate asked, looking at the accused,

‘ Have you any questions, you seem quite amused?’

‘ The point is, your Worship’ the old boy replied,

‘ The officer is mistaken, I don’t say he lied’.

‘ You see’ he continued, now in his stride,

‘I did nothing wrong, I’ve got nothing to hide,

The old girl and me, been together so long,

I do nothing right and everything’s wrong’.

‘I was working away, on an old banger car,

The tyres they were knackered, gone too bloody far,

Pardon my language, I’m sorry I swore,

But I needed the knife, so that I could fit more’.

‘I was cutting away the old tyre with the knife,

When all of a sudden, a scream from the wife,

She’s chasing the cat, she’s going to get hit,

The traffic is heavy, she don’t care about it’.

‘It was then that I shouted, ‘ You’ll get killed you old B’,

And then tried to grab her, it was obvious to me,

That I’d rather the cat die, than the old girl,

She’s not really a hard one, she’s more like a pearl’.

‘It was then that the young P.C. arrived,

The things he was told, made him think that I skived,

A lovely young man, whose ears are still wet,

But he’ll still make a good ‘un, I’m willing to bet’.

‘It was then that I mentioned the tyre and the car,

That they needed a change, they were crap, gone too far,

I thought that the officer had understood,

So I called him a fair cop, I thought he was good.

‘ So you see now, Your Worship, no harm has been done,

I know it all started  as a frightening one,

There’s just one thing more, I swear by my life,

The tyres are not finished, I still need the knife’.

‘ The case is dismissed’ the Magistrate ruled,

The Constable’s flustered, he knows he’s been fooled,

Outside the courtroom, when he restored the knife,

The old boy just winked, then added ‘ That’s life’.

So all you young officers, just out of school,

Always remember, this one golden rule,

That a verbal statement, no matter how long,

Is not worth the paper, that it’s not writ upon.

-----Mike----